Eat, Pray, Love---Carter Style

          My mother was a beautiful woman.  The picture at the top of this page is one of my favorite pictures of Mama taken after she became ill. It was also taken on one of the worst days of  my life. However, Tommy snapped the shot at just the right time. He caught her smile and glint in her eye that would soon become lost to us. I spent a lot of time crying that day. I am standing by her in this picture but I was so miserable from crying, I had a horrible headache and was generally unrecognizable.

       If my day was bad, Mama's was worse.  Tommy and I had come home from Missouri to Kentucky to check on Mama and Daddy.  I wanted to spend time with my parents and this gave Tommy a chance to see his brothers and sisters.  We were planning on spending our nights at Mama's just like we always did.

          It was August and so hot and humid outside that it was miserable.  When Tommy and I arrived, Mama and Daddy were sitting out on the patio.  Mama was dressed in a wool sweater, black pants and Daddy's heavy hunting socks.  After hugs and kisses were exchanged and exchanged again. We sat down to talk.  I asked Mama how she was doing and she looked me in the eye and said "Fine, and who are you?"  I was shocked we had just got through crying, hugging and kissing and in a split second she forgot.  I told her I was"Vicky" her daughter, that's when she looked at Tommy and said, "She's not Vicky, but I like her." For some reason Tommy snapped the picture.  Probably, because she looked so much like her "real self".  All I remember is taking off for the bathroom to cry some more.

         We went back out  to the patio, because Mama wanted to go out there.  She had to have been hot.  We were all burning up, but she seemed fine and oblivious to the heat. She could no longer tell for sure, if she was hot or cold.

         Later that night we made plans to go out to eat.  My mother wanted to cook supper and was convinced that  "Mamamae, Granddaddy, and Uncle Gene " would be there any minute to eat with us. All three of them had been dead for quite awhile.  Mama looked for them everywhere she went.  Mama kept setting the table for "Mamamae, Granddaddy, and Uncle Gene"  We tried to gently tell her that they were" gone'' and would not be there for dinner.  Finally, we just left the plates on the table and got in the car.  Once at the restaurant, Mama ate very little.  She wanted to "people watch".  A bite of fish, a bite of baked potato and she was full. There was no making her eat, if she didn't want it.  It was also hard to make her drink anything. However, she did drink better than she ate. 
        Mama no longer wore her glasses, so she couldn't see far away.  She wanted to set in the back seat with me. The ride terrified her. She hung on to the door handle and even though she was in her seat belt, she felt like something really bad was going to happen to her.  I watched her face, and talked low and soothing to her.  After a few minutes I was able to get her mind off the drive .  She knew me then. I would always know when she really knew me because she would say  "There you are"  every time.  Just like I was the one who had been "lost".

         We couldn't get Mama out of her clothes all weekend except to go to sleep. She wanted that same outfit to wear.  We would wash it, hide it, I even wanted to throw it away.  But we didn't, she was comfortable in that odd wardrobe and so we just let her have it.  We never knew if we were doing the "right" thing.  Mostly we tried to make her happy, whatever it took. As soon as I returned home, I bought every book I could find concerning Alzheimer's.

          When it was time to go to bed, Mama wanted to sleep with us.  It was fine with Tommy as long as Mama got in on  my side.  However she was up and down all night and once she got in bed on his side.  I felt a pop on my rear and heard Tommy say, "Vicky, get your Mama---she just got in bed with me"  I started laughing, I was tired but I went around the side of the bed and "got Mama".  I tried to put her back in bed with Daddy, but she almost beat me back to my bed.  So we cuddled. I rubbed her back and told her what a great mother she had been to me. I talked her to sleep.  Evidently, I was keeping Tommy awake.  Soooo  just about the time I am ready to drift off to sleep.  He says "Thank God you didn't sing to her!!"  I got tickled, I snorted trying not to wake Mama up again and I could NOT be quiet or quit laughing.  Sure enough, I woke her up and Daddy.  It was four in the morning and Daddy was ready to start the day.

       I was too. There was going to be no sleeping, so I might as well have some coffee.  Another day was about to begin. Daddy put the coffee on and I helped Mama to the bathroom.  She ate very little for breakfast, a half of a biscuit. I was elated. It was almost as good as a four course meal to me.  It was something solid. When it was time for us to leave, I made arrangements with Daddy to come home at least once a month and stay a week so he  could get some rest. I could get FMLA at work for a sick parent.  I worked overtime to make sure I had time on the books so I could go home as I had promised.  I kept my promise.


      There is an old saying or quote about "trial by fire".  Mama's Alzheimer's was my trial by fire....and I am still here.  Older, wiser and more forgiving.  I learned how to be more compassionate for other people and to other people.  I thought I had seen and heard everything working with mental patients.  But it's a whole new ballgame when the "mental patient" is your mother.  I learned to really love and to forgive my Father. That was a long time coming and at times I thought I would surely burn up in the process but we survived and are close today.  Mama would be so relieved and delighted in our relationship.  In fact, I know she is.